Heart Chakra Open AF

In the last few years, I've been doing a lot of soul searching; figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how to make those women meet. I have manifested so many wonderful things into my life in the past year and a half. I became a nurse this year, met an amazing man (J), landed a great nursing job and it looks like things are on a pretty positive course. Then, as of last week, I entered into a relationship with said amazing man that I manifested and the doubt began to creep in. 

I blogged before about self-sabotage and the negative effects it can have on your mentality and your life. Those feelings of unworthiness and flight began to set in for me this weekend. Although I didn't tell my new beau about these things at the time, I had to sit back and process why I was triggered and what I could do about it. To give a more in-depth understanding of how I was feeling, I first have to give you the break down:

1) December 2018: I decided that I was tired of the type of love I had been receiving and knew I deserved more. I signed up for a free challenge/FB group with a relationship with a coach named Crystal Irom. From this free class with Crystal, I eventually signed up for a 6 week paid course called Magnetize Your Match. She gave tips and tricks on how to hone in and be very specific about the type of man you want. We started with inner work on ourselves because you have to be right within or on that path to expect/call in someone of the same caliber. We were very broad about what we wanted in a partner and I made a list of about thirty or so qualities that I wanted in a man. By the end of the course, I had narrowed that down to five things that were non-negotiable for any man that I would enter into a romantic relationship with. 

2) January 2019: With my vision board already completed and my intention set for the year, I decided that 2019 would be the year that I met and found my husband. A couple weeks after making this proclamation I met J. From the day of our first date until now we have talked every single day.

Early on I knew that there was something special between us and that he was unlike any man I had ever dated before. He's kind, he's genuine, he's handsome, he cares about me and shows it and I can ask him to do anything and I know that he will at least try to help me out. These are the qualities I truly appreciate about him and I'm so thankful that I manifested him into my life.

3) January 2019- present: Even after months of daily phone calls/texts/Snaps,  spending time together, going on dates, cooking together, talking about our lives and our plans, he was hesitant to make the move from being friends to a relationship. We were finally able to have a heart-to-heart about that situation and made our relationship official last week. As someone who has dealt with more than one bad relationship, I understood and still understand his hesitation. It is a very hard recovery process to heal yourself and your heart when someone has done you dirty. But I knew then and know now that he is very special.

So over this past weekend, I began to have doubts. After how highly I've spoken of this man and how I feel about him, I began to wonder if I really wanted to be in a relationship at all. I took things slow with him on purpose and did things differently because I didn't want to get caught up in the wrong things and I wanted to make sure I knew the person that was coming into my life and eventually Liam's life too. He agreed to take things slow and never made it out like it was a problem. So there was never a doubt in my mind about how he felt about me judging by his words and actions. So where was this doubt and fear coming from?

After about a day of reflection, I realized that I'm not so much afraid of rejection or being broken up with. I am afraid of again being the person that heals a man and gets him ready for the next woman. I am afraid of pouring my heart and myself into another man and not receiving that love back. I am afraid of being too vulnerable and open to someone just to have it all fall apart and start from scratch with someone new. Of course, this realization came with a downpour of tears. 

At that moment, I fully understood why he was hesitant to be in a relationship in the first place. In his most recent and past experiences, things start off good, progressed fast and furious then things fell apart. He's a giver, a hard worker and puts his all into relationships. In my experience, I see the good and the potential in someone and want to help them to grow and develop because that is my love language. I'm also a giver, I'm loyal and I want a partnership. In 15 or so years of dating and a couple of serious relationships, I have never gotten back as much as I put in. Not even close. 

It's truly amazing the depths of the damage that we carry with us. I truly believed that I had sorted through most of my relationship blockages. I now realize that it's something that's going to take more time and I will have to truly do the deeper work to get to where I need to be. Shout out to one of my bffs Myia for being the voice of reason and other side of the coin that I needed to see things differently.

 I'm not looking for J to heal me or save me and it's not my intention to be that for him. If anything I hope to show him the same patience, kindness, and care he has shown me through. I'm looking forward to our relationship growing and developing into a lifetime of adventures, becoming a family (adding some members to that family as well), obstacles that we shatter, love, compromise, commitment, and most important choosing to work on these things daily together. Not relying on the other to bring us joy, but cultivating it from within and sharing it with one another. 

What is the vision you have for your next relationship? What do you desire in your future partner? If you've already met them, what about them do you love and appreciate?