Heart Chakra Open AF

September 23, 2019

In the last few years, I've been doing a lot of soul searching; figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how to make those women meet. I have manifested so many wonderful things into my life in the past year and a half. I became a nurse this year, met an amazing man (J), landed a great nursing job and it looks like things are on a pretty positive course. Then, as of last week, I entered into a relationship with said amazing man that I manifested and the doubt began to creep in. 

I blogged before about self-sabotage and the negative effects it can have on your mentality and your life. Those feelings of unworthiness and flight began to set in for me this weekend. Although I didn't tell my new beau about these things at the time, I had to sit back and process why I was triggered and what I could do about it. To give a more in-depth understanding of how I was feeling, I first have to give you the break down:

1) December 2018: I decided that I was tired of the type of love I had been receiving and knew I deserved more. I signed up for a free challenge/FB group with a relationship with a coach named Crystal Irom. From this free class with Crystal, I eventually signed up for a 6 week paid course called Magnetize Your Match. She gave tips and tricks on how to hone in and be very specific about the type of man you want. We started with inner work on ourselves because you have to be right within or on that path to expect/call in someone of the same caliber. We were very broad about what we wanted in a partner and I made a list of about thirty or so qualities that I wanted in a man. By the end of the course, I had narrowed that down to five things that were non-negotiable for any man that I would enter into a romantic relationship with. 

2) January 2019: With my vision board already completed and my intention set for the year, I decided that 2019 would be the year that I met and found my husband. A couple weeks after making this proclamation I met J. From the day of our first date until now we have talked every single day.

Early on I knew that there was something special between us and that he was unlike any man I had ever dated before. He's kind, he's genuine, he's handsome, he cares about me and shows it and I can ask him to do anything and I know that he will at least try to help me out. These are the qualities I truly appreciate about him and I'm so thankful that I manifested him into my life.

3) January 2019- present: Even after months of daily phone calls/texts/Snaps,  spending time together, going on dates, cooking together, talking about our lives and our plans, he was hesitant to make the move from being friends to a relationship. We were finally able to have a heart-to-heart about that situation and made our relationship official last week. As someone who has dealt with more than one bad relationship, I understood and still understand his hesitation. It is a very hard recovery process to heal yourself and your heart when someone has done you dirty. But I knew then and know now that he is very special.

So over this past weekend, I began to have doubts. After how highly I've spoken of this man and how I feel about him, I began to wonder if I really wanted to be in a relationship at all. I took things slow with him on purpose and did things differently because I didn't want to get caught up in the wrong things and I wanted to make sure I knew the person that was coming into my life and eventually Liam's life too. He agreed to take things slow and never made it out like it was a problem. So there was never a doubt in my mind about how he felt about me judging by his words and actions. So where was this doubt and fear coming from?

After about a day of reflection, I realized that I'm not so much afraid of rejection or being broken up with. I am afraid of again being the person that heals a man and gets him ready for the next woman. I am afraid of pouring my heart and myself into another man and not receiving that love back. I am afraid of being too vulnerable and open to someone just to have it all fall apart and start from scratch with someone new. Of course, this realization came with a downpour of tears. 

At that moment, I fully understood why he was hesitant to be in a relationship in the first place. In his most recent and past experiences, things start off good, progressed fast and furious then things fell apart. He's a giver, a hard worker and puts his all into relationships. In my experience, I see the good and the potential in someone and want to help them to grow and develop because that is my love language. I'm also a giver, I'm loyal and I want a partnership. In 15 or so years of dating and a couple of serious relationships, I have never gotten back as much as I put in. Not even close. 

It's truly amazing the depths of the damage that we carry with us. I truly believed that I had sorted through most of my relationship blockages. I now realize that it's something that's going to take more time and I will have to truly do the deeper work to get to where I need to be. Shout out to one of my bffs Myia for being the voice of reason and other side of the coin that I needed to see things differently.

 I'm not looking for J to heal me or save me and it's not my intention to be that for him. If anything I hope to show him the same patience, kindness, and care he has shown me through. I'm looking forward to our relationship growing and developing into a lifetime of adventures, becoming a family (adding some members to that family as well), obstacles that we shatter, love, compromise, commitment, and most important choosing to work on these things daily together. Not relying on the other to bring us joy, but cultivating it from within and sharing it with one another. 

What is the vision you have for your next relationship? What do you desire in your future partner? If you've already met them, what about them do you love and appreciate? 

"God Work Magic In My Life"

September 8, 2019

There are two things I know (#facts): 

1)  ANYTIME I have ever had a rough patch/challenge ahead/wtf am I going to do type of moment God and the Universe have ALWAYS made a way. Unequivocally and literally always at the time it needs to be. 
2) I worry too damn much lol. 

So I had to sit out this Fall semester because my school bill was way too high "I had to cuttt iiitt" and y'all know the funds for school come directly out of my pockets...so yeah. I was left with these options: 
a) Unenroll from school completely for an undetermined length of time to save money. 
b) work 50-leven jobs so I could get the money I needed to not only pay school but continue to pay all my other bills 
c) start trappin' or strippin' lmfao. 

None of those make sense to me in the grand scheme of my 5-year plan. What's a girl to do? I prayed, cried, prayed, stressed, worried and then finally, relaxed. In doing so, two new opportunities presented themselves in a way that will potentially allow me to be able to pay for school, pay my bills and not have to work all.the.damn.time like I have been doing and continue to do. I can't divulge details just yet, but just know that God/the Universe is outchea workin' y'all.

 It's cliche, it's trite, but it is so TRUE: what's meant for you will be for you. I truly don't believe we are set up to fail in life. I believe we have obstacles and challenges to overcome, but in the end do they not make use better? If we rise to the occasion, do they not eventually bring out the best version of ourselves?

There is magic brewing in the air y'all and it's trickling down to me and can be all of ours for the taking. I keep looking back at my life just one year ago...I was stagnant, just getting out of a relationship that made me miserable, I was busting my ass tryin' to pass my Nursing classes and I was seemingly stuck in a job that not only drained my mental energy but that no longer suited my needs other than a paycheck. I was stuck in a warp of constant mental drain and I was losing touch with myself.

 But then it happened, the shift.  Doors opened up. I got an additional scholarship and gained a Nurse mentor, I got a new more fulfilling job and everything fell into place. To see my evolution from then to now truly allows me to see all the bullshit was worth it. THIS is a small piece of my continued glow up. I pray often and just ask God to take care of me and Liam, my family and friends and even Luna and to just allow me to walk in my purpose and not only bring something more to the world, but be the best version of myself that I can be. 

I promise y'all that nothing in my life is perfect. I have so many things I'm working on, so many ways that I am trying to do to be better, much work left to do on myself, in my life and for the people I love. But I have heart and I have faith. I have faith that things will always work how they are supposed to and when they are supposed to. I have faith that when I ask I will receive and that I had better have my ass ready lol.

How are you preparing to receive magic/blessings in your life? What can you do to be better prepared to receive them? This week take ONE actionable step towards being receptive to abundance and leave a comment about what you're working on!

Until again,
Bougie Beauty Babe

On Self-sabotage

September 4, 2019

I have had three days in a row off from ALL my jobs and have had some time for deep introspection. I've needed this time for a while and am glad that I took this time for myself. My previous post was about fear and I now have to expound on that reflection and explain the damage that self-sabotage has done in my life.

A few years back I got super serious about my health and was able to lose 75 lb over the course of a year and a half. Self-sabotage helped me to gain it all back and then some. It allowed me to crush my personal fitness goals, get back in touch with myself and then lose it all because I wasn't confident in myself or my abilities. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I will always be considered "overweight" in the medical community, but even by my own standards, I am currently teetering on the edge of being unhealthy and endangering my life by inviting in a myriad of hereditary health problems. I realized a couple years back that my weight has been my shroud. It has kept me safe and buffered me from whatever my fears were. It has allowed me to know I'm pretty, but maybe not as pretty as some other girls solely based on my body, my weight.

totally have the RBF down lol

If I was somehow given the permission to be the best version of myself in all aspects...what would that mean? It would mean that I would be unstoppable. What would that look like in my life? There would not be a goal I have that I couldn't reach. But I don't need the permission from anyone but myself. Allowing myself to not be in the best shape I can be is a way of self-protection. A way to keep me out of the spotlight, a way to continue to hide. Perhaps it stems from some deep-rooted trauma or maybe I have just conditioned myself to not stand out. Whatever the case may be, I have to overcome it. My life and the trajectory thereof depends on it.

To put the extent of my self-sabotage into perspective. Since February this year, I have had a membership with a personal trainer for group fitness. My plan allows me to go two times a week (originally three times) and I might make it twice a month. Back in June in order to get Liam into the YMCA summer camp, I joined there as well and have been paying a household membership ever since. I have used the gym facility once.

 I don't meal prep, I don't schedule these things into my life. Not because I'm lazy per se, but because I know that doing these things will force me to change my habits. Doing these things will force me out of my comfort zone. That's the key. My greatness, your greatness lies outside of our comfort zones. When you have to dig deep and find the strength/courage/drive within yourself is when you step outside of what's comfortable and familiar. When you push yourself to and outside of your self imposed limits is when you thrive. It's at that moment I will be able to (re)lose 85 lb, be the best mother, be a successful entrepreneur, be an amazing nurse and manifest and cultivate all of the good things and blessings into my life.

So today I ask you what are you doing that's keeping you from your goals and from being the best version of yourself?

Most importantly, what the hell are you going to do about it?

me judging you whilst you make a decision lol 

Until again,
Bougie Beauty Babe
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