On Self-sabotage

September 4, 2019

I have had three days in a row off from ALL my jobs and have had some time for deep introspection. I've needed this time for a while and am glad that I took this time for myself. My previous post was about fear and I now have to expound on that reflection and explain the damage that self-sabotage has done in my life.

A few years back I got super serious about my health and was able to lose 75 lb over the course of a year and a half. Self-sabotage helped me to gain it all back and then some. It allowed me to crush my personal fitness goals, get back in touch with myself and then lose it all because I wasn't confident in myself or my abilities. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I will always be considered "overweight" in the medical community, but even by my own standards, I am currently teetering on the edge of being unhealthy and endangering my life by inviting in a myriad of hereditary health problems. I realized a couple years back that my weight has been my shroud. It has kept me safe and buffered me from whatever my fears were. It has allowed me to know I'm pretty, but maybe not as pretty as some other girls solely based on my body, my weight.

totally have the RBF down lol

If I was somehow given the permission to be the best version of myself in all aspects...what would that mean? It would mean that I would be unstoppable. What would that look like in my life? There would not be a goal I have that I couldn't reach. But I don't need the permission from anyone but myself. Allowing myself to not be in the best shape I can be is a way of self-protection. A way to keep me out of the spotlight, a way to continue to hide. Perhaps it stems from some deep-rooted trauma or maybe I have just conditioned myself to not stand out. Whatever the case may be, I have to overcome it. My life and the trajectory thereof depends on it.

To put the extent of my self-sabotage into perspective. Since February this year, I have had a membership with a personal trainer for group fitness. My plan allows me to go two times a week (originally three times) and I might make it twice a month. Back in June in order to get Liam into the YMCA summer camp, I joined there as well and have been paying a household membership ever since. I have used the gym facility once.

 I don't meal prep, I don't schedule these things into my life. Not because I'm lazy per se, but because I know that doing these things will force me to change my habits. Doing these things will force me out of my comfort zone. That's the key. My greatness, your greatness lies outside of our comfort zones. When you have to dig deep and find the strength/courage/drive within yourself is when you step outside of what's comfortable and familiar. When you push yourself to and outside of your self imposed limits is when you thrive. It's at that moment I will be able to (re)lose 85 lb, be the best mother, be a successful entrepreneur, be an amazing nurse and manifest and cultivate all of the good things and blessings into my life.

So today I ask you what are you doing that's keeping you from your goals and from being the best version of yourself?

Most importantly, what the hell are you going to do about it?

me judging you whilst you make a decision lol 

Until again,
Bougie Beauty Babe

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