Safety in the Harbor

March 29, 2017

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I first heard this quote when I was a senior in high school. It was a year after I made the choice to go to college 650 miles away from my family for the first time ever.  I would live on my own, work a full time job, navigate public higher education, love, be heartbroken, give birth to my amazing boy, meet great people and graduate with both a degree in life and English. 

Much to the chagrin of my parents I was (and still am) stubborn as a bull. When I set my mind to something, I did it. I was tenacious, fiery and determined. I like to think I am still some of those things now, but I don't feel it. I don't feel like the fire in my bones has been ignited in a long time. So it is quite possible I am still that girl who was on the cusp of womanhood and discovery and had the world at her hands, but I need to take time and rediscover her and get back to her.

I think one important trait most of us carry in our youth is fearlessness. When channeled into the right avenues, you can accomplish great things from letting fear go! I fell in love with New York City when I was 16. I went to stay with my friend Erika in Washington Heights and KNEW that I had to be in this place! August 2006, with $1200 saved up, school supplies and some stuff for my bedroom, my parents and I made the 12 hour drive and I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment with an awesome family of strangers near Central Park West. When I look back on that, it's amazing how that chapter of my life began. By the end of August I was a Freshman at City College of New York in Harlem. 

what a few years in NYC did to me lol; Photo credit: Leon Photo Werks (RIP)

I don't necessarily think that it was my absence of fear, but it was my drive to be different, do different and follow my heart that pushed me to move away from Kentucky. Much like I knew back then, Kentucky has nothing for me other than my family. I feel no real ties to this place and have always felt like I don't belong here. It's not home to me, it is just a place I have spent the majority of my life. A holding pen if you well. 

I talked to a coworker about this yesterday. I miss early to mid  2000s Cicely. I want to get her back. I want to be her again. I'm 29 and don't want to be a shell of a woman, I want to live on my own terms and by my rules. I want to go against the grain like I'm used to doing and learn and love my way. Although having a child with special needs complicates things, I don't want that to be my crutch. Before you get all judgmental, I know that my child comes first. Any place I move or anything I decide to do HAS to be an excellent fit for him. If I got the opportunity of a lifetime, but L wasn't able to get the help he needs, then it's not the right fit for me or us. 
I had sauce y'all lol. this was 2008 

2008 my first collaboration with Samantha Lennon MUA and Earl Leon -photog

I said all of that to say this...Life is entirely too short to be scared to take the chance, quit the job, write the book, marry the girl or guy, leave behind everything you've ever known or simple do whatever it is that makes you happy or be your real, true self. 2017 and the rest of MY life is not meant to be lived in fear. It's not to say that you won't be scared or that you're not allowed to be, but don't succumb to the fear and don't live in regret. 

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